Why Women Self Sabotage!

"Vision without action is a daydream
Action without vision is a nightmare"
Japanese proverb

Written by Joy Broughton, Life Coach

It's an age old problem

Self sabotage is one of the most destructive ways we stop our own progress. We all do it. And it's amazing how many creative ways we can invent to do it. The worst part is that most of the time we don't even know what's happening until it's too late. While millions of women are building businesses, helping companies grow, giving of themselves to help other people, there are many of them that are "missing in action" from their own lives. It doesn't matter how educated you are or how rich you are, we all have our stories to tell about self sabotage.

There are two faces of self sabotage. One, is how we do it to ourselves and the other is by sabotaging each other. In the book, Women to Women, Dr. Judith Briles reveals a groundbreaking study of sabotaging among women in the workplace. This book was met with disbelief and denial when it first appeared a decade ago. But once exposed, the problem of women undermining and betraying other women for professional and personal gain has been acknowledged by more and more women. One of my mentors recently wrote me a letter. In it he states,

"I have worked with many women and almost without exception each has claimed their women friends did not help them in their networking or job search. Not sure I know the answer to this problem, but even though I am and have been for decades a strong advocate of women in business, my experience has been that women are much more difficult to manage because they require more attention, have vast mood swings and refuse to just follow orders as men tend to be conditioned to do. Personally, I think women are for some reason jealous of each other and are not inclined to help each other. "

 

The following story is about the first face, the one that we do to ourselves.

Cathy's Story: Even a Minister isn't Exempt!

One morning at 7:50 a.m. I received a call from a very hysterical client. She was so upset I could hardly understand what she was saying. I asked her to relax for a moment and just breath. She was in her car, and I was worried about her safety. Once she got her composure back, I realized what was happening. She was about to miss her international flight to Scotland because she had overslept. I asked, "How could you oversleep on the day you're going to Scotland?" Her response was, "My alarm didn't go off. I can't believe it. I've done it to myself. I'm sabotaging myself."

Just three months before this, she had come to me for help in sorting out her career and her life. Cathy was a chaplain at a major medical center, was on call 24/7, overextended in every area of her life, and had absolutely no personal life. Over the next three months, we worked together to create more balance in her life and get her time back. She developed programs to help her manage her time better and created a plan for her future. We were successful. We planned the trip to Scotland to give Cathy something to look forward to - a reward for getting her life back on track. She had relatives there and the whole trip was a great incentive for her. Now here it was three months later, and she was blowing herself up. Crying on the phone, she said, "I need a session with you. The tickets are non refundable. I'll never get there. I'm going to drive to your house. We need to have a session." I said, "Cathy, where are you right now?" When she told me where she was, I realized that she still might be able to make the flight. I said, "Cathy, get off the phone and get to the airport!" She argued with me. I said it again, louder this time. She said, "Okay." I told her to call me only if she didn't make it. Right before she hung up she was hopeful. That evening I received a call from Scotland. Cathy made it!

 

The second story is about the second face of self sabotage: Women sabotaging women.

Barbara's Story: A Story of Betrayal

The Temporary Help Industry is very competitive. But it seemed that one of my client, Barbara, had found an oasis from the storms. She was hired by a company that recognized talent when they saw it, however, it was soon to be revealed that the storm was just beginning.

Barbara's manager Dianne was a powerhouse within the company and she came to trust her within a very short period of time. Dianne supported Barbara's ideas and seemed to be paving a way for her to move up the ladder. It wasn't until two and a half months later that some very strange things started to happen. The first thing that happened was that Dianne told Barbara that she was interviewing with a competitor and that if she left she wanted Barbara to have her job. Even if it were true, this kind of disclosure was inappropriate. It put Barbara in a very precarious position. If she were ever asked about this by top management, she would be forced to lie or betray her manager. This was a red flag and Barbara knew it. Still, she didn't want to believe that Dianne would do anything to hurt her.

The second incident was more blatant. One of Barbara's co-workers divulged a confidence to her. It was of a personal nature and posed no threat to the company. Dianne called a meeting with the Regional Vice President, did not tell Barbara anything about the meeting. She simply called Barbara one morning at 8:00 a.m. and said there was a very important meeting she wanted her to come to at 9:00 a.m. When Barbara walked in, there sat Dianne with her arms crossed in a very guarded manner. Across from her sat the co-worker and next to her was the Vice President. Barbara knew almost immediately that it was a set up. When the meeting began, Dianne twisted everything the co-worker had said and made it look like Barbara was keeping very important information from the company. It didn't even matter how Dianne got the information from the co-worker. As far as Barbara was concerned, the handwriting was on the wall. Barbara would never find out why Dianne betrayed her. Perhaps it was competition, or jealously and envy. She tried to talk to Dianne about it, but all she got was the cold shoulder. A week later she was fired. No explanation. The termination couldn't even be deemed wrongful because it was within the three-month probationary period of a new job.

Julia Cameron, Author of The Artists Way, says, "Competition is another spiritual drug. When we focus on competition we poison our own well, impede our own progress."

 

You've Come A Long Way, Baby!

For us to understand the roots of self sabotage, let's take a look at our history. Women have been fighting for their power, their voice for a very long time. In our own country it was exactly 154 years ago that the Women's Rights Movement began on a sweltering summer day in upstate New York. Elizabeth Cady Stanton, a young housewife and mother, was invited to have tea with four women friends. Out of this meeting, these brave women forged what would be know as the Declaration of Sentiments. Stanton used the Declaration of Independence as the framework for writing this document. And being the creative, intelligent woman she was she tied the campaign for women's rights directly to the most powerful of all American symbols . . . Liberty. The Declaration of Sentiments ended by stating boldly, "In entering upon the great work before us, we anticipate no small amount of misconception, misrepresentation, and ridicule; but we shall use every instrumentality with our power to effect our object. We shall employ agents, circulate tracts, petition the State and National Legislatures, and endeavor to enlist the pulpit and the press in our behalf. We hope this Convention will be followed by a series of Conventions, embracing every part of the country." Strong words for the time. But just as many women who forged the way for us, dropped the fight as well. They gave up. In fact, it was within days of the signing of the Declaration of Sentiments, several women withdrew their signature from the document due to pressures from the outside. As we read the history of these women, we learn that their goals were to make life better for themselves and other women, but they never anticipated that they would gain the right to vote. That was never in their original plan. It was unheard of for a woman to be able to vote. What was this really all about? It was about "power". So, let talk about power!

 

Authentic Power: It's an Inside Job!

Years ago, I heard Marianne Williamson, author of A Woman's Worth and A Return To Love, say one of the most profound things I have ever heard on the subject. She said, "Even the definition of Feminine Power is defined by a Patriarchal Society. What's wrong with this picture? We, as women need to help each other define what is truly Feminine Power, and we're still discovering what that means." Yet, how can we do that if we are fragmented by self sabotage. Authentic Power is that sense within each of us that is real, a deeper understanding that loves life in every way, a power that does not judge. It is this power that is so grounded in who we are and what we stand for that it is unmovable and yet compassionate at the same time. Power is not the ability to exert your will over someone. That kind of power is fear based and short lived. The kind of power that comes from inside you, honoring your intuitive self is the only way to find true peace. No one can give you this kind of power. Actually, you already have it. You just need to accept it and accept the responsibility that goes with it. Responsibility simply means: The ability to respond. So, if you know who you are, really are, you know how to respond. No one can take that away from you. This is the power that is grounded deep into the core of who you really are, independent of what others think of you. As Dr. Wayne Dyer, author of Wisdom of the Ages, says, "Learn how to be independent of the good opinion of others." Knowing your own heart is the most important gift you can give yourself. All else springs from that knowledge.

It is my belief that we self sabotage for many reasons. We may not feel we deserve something, or we may feel powerless in our choices for some reason. But the most insidious reason I believe we self sabotage is because of our anger. We, as women are just starting to be recognized for our ability to socialize, bring people together, and get things done. But what about the years of suppression? We were told we could never dare to earn more than our fathers, that we needed a man to take care of us. I remember one day when I was about 22 years old, my father said to me. "You're too independent. You'll never find a man that way." My own father, who raised me to be independent. We receive so many mixed messages along the way. For years while I was in Corporate America, I saw women as gate keepers, event planners, masters of sales, keeping the company together by their ability to socialize, scrutinize, network, and nurture. Yet, were they given the credit for this? Try talking to a nurse, or a teacher, or a secretary about these matters.

Finding solutions to this problem is crucial. And we can all help each other if we choose. The most important solution is to develop our own Authentic Power.

 

Authentic Power: How to Get It and How to Keep It!

Finding your authentic powers take a deep commitment to yourself. It means being willing to love yourself. Louise Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life, tells us that when she first starts to work with people one on one she has them hold a mirror up to themselves, and say, "I love you." Most people can't do it at first. She says that just the thought of doing this sends people running from the room. The decision alone to begin to develop your self love, self esteem, and self worth is a start. Self love is a key component in developing Authentic Power. The more you love yourself, the more you have to give.

1. Learn to accept and develop your Authentic Power. Read more! Take more time for yourself. Become more aware of how you spend your time. Start a journal, writing about your feelings feeds your Spirit. Find a mentor and/or a coach that can help you develop these things within yourself. There are so many wonderful books and tapes out. Poke around the book store and see what calls to you.

2. Love yourself enough to start telling the truth. Start being honest with others about how you feel, what your opinions are, and most importantly, start being honest with yourself. If you share these things with love and not revenge and anger, you give yourself permission to be who you really are. Trust your intuition. You know your truth when you hear it.

3. Attend support groups, or better yet, start one yourself. This helps tremendously in having a safe place for you to start being more honest with yourself and others. So many women are starting groups in their homes. I visited one group recently where the women were hungry for information on Power, real power! They asked me to facilitate and help them discover their own beliefs about what power is and what power is not. It was wonderful. They were extremely supportive of each other.

4. Develop a support network. Establishing a valuable network of people is one of the smartest, most productive things you can do for your future. Especially, since 9/11, people have come to realize how important it is to have a good, solid support network. Again, this is an area where you can enlist the help of mentors and coaches to help you do this consciously. Now this doesn't mean you put all your friends and family in your network. You need to hand picks each individual carefully. Ask yourself, "Is my network filled with people I'm comfortable with that tell me what I want to hear or are they people who raise the bar for me?" In other words, do they really tell you the truth? A good network is like a fruit tree. If you want it to yield fruit, you trim it, nurture it and take care of it. The same is true for your network. Start seeing your network as alive and growing and changing as you change, supporting you in your growth and development.

 

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